How to Deal With Frustrating Elderly Parents

If you're caring for an elderly parent who's started acting a unpredictably, it can sometimes feel like you're walking a tightrope, blindfolded. One minute, you're the kid again, trying to make sense of their mood swings, and the next, you're the adult in charge, making the big decisions. It's a weird flip of roles that nobody prepares you for.

Dealing with their changing moods and behaviors can be tough, especially when it seems like they're not the same parents you grew up with. Seniorly is here to give you a virtual hug and some friendly advice on how to handle these tricky times.

Dealing with the behaviors of your aging parent can often feel like you're learning a new language, one filled with love, frustration, and sometimes, a dash of humor. As many of the drivers for these older adults relate to physical and mental health, you'll see lots of common themes below.

Mood swings

What it looks like: Mood swings in our aging parents can appear as rapid, unpredictable changes in emotion. One moment, they might be cheerful and engaging, sharing stories with a laugh. Almost without warning, they can become withdrawn, irritable, or even confrontational. This volatility can be confusing and stressful for family members who struggle to understand or predict these sudden shifts in demeanor.

What's really going on: These mood fluctuations are often more than just surface-level irritability or happiness. They can be symptomatic of underlying health issues, such as chronic pain, hormonal imbalances or neurological changes associated with conditions like dementia or Alzheimer's disease. 

Psychological factors, including depression, anxiety, and the profound sense of loss associated with aging—loss of independence, physical capabilities, and perhaps close friends or a spouse—can significantly impact their emotional state. The frustration from experiencing these losses and the fear of what lies ahead can manifest as mood swings.

Stubbornness

What it looks like: Are these irrational elderly parents? Or just a stubborn ones? Elderly parents may exhibit stubbornness by refusing assistance, rejecting new ideas, or insisting on maintaining their routines, even when those routines become impractical or unsafe. This stubbornness is not just about small daily tasks; it can extend to significant issues, like refusing medical care or not wanting to discuss future living arrangements.

What's really going on: The root of this stubborn behavior often lies in a deep-seated fear of losing autonomy and a sense of control over one's life (which, after all, is entirely reasonable give their situation). As adults age, they face numerous changes that threaten their independence and self-sufficiency. Stubbornness can be a defense mechanism, a way to hold onto control in a world where they feel increasingly powerless. It may also stem from a lifetime of being the decision-maker, making it challenging to accept a reversed role where they need to rely on others.

Repetitive stories

What it looks like: Repetitive storytelling involves telling the same stories multiple times, focusing on past events with significant emotional resonance for the elderly individual. This can even include telling the same story multiple times in a single afternoon! While it may seem like mere forgetfulness or a lack of new experiences to share, this repetition can sometimes test the patience of family members. 

What's really going on:This repetition is often not just about memory lapses. It's a way for elderly individuals to relive and preserve their identity, connecting with others through shared history and cherished memories. For many, these stories represent a time of greater agency and vitality, offering comfort amid the uncertainties of aging. 

Cognitive changes, such as those associated with dementia, can make these stories a touchstone for a sense of self. Additionally, this behavior can fulfill a need for social interaction and engagement, providing a way to communicate and maintain a connection with loved ones.

Avoiding conversations

What it looks like: When it comes to discussing pressing matters such as parent's care plans, health concerns, or even everyday decisions requiring adjustments, many seniors try to sidestep these conversations entirely. 

This avoidance can manifest as changing the subject, feigning ignorance, or even leaving the room when certain topics are broached. It creates a barrier to addressing essential issues that can affect their well-being and safety.

What's really going on: The roots of this behavior are often multifaceted. Primarily, it stems from a deep-seated fear of losing independence and facing the reality of aging. Acknowledging the need for more care or changes in their lifestyle makes the aging process and its accompanying losses more real. 

There's also an element of denial involved; by avoiding these conversations, the senior can maintain a semblance of control and normalcy in their lives. Psychological factors, such as anxiety about the future or depression, can exacerbate this avoidance. 

Additionally, good old-fashioned pride and a lifetime of being the caregiver - not the care receiver - make it difficult for many elderly parents to accept a reversal of roles. They may also wish to shield their children from the burden of worry or the responsibility of caregiving, believing that by not discussing these issues, they are protecting their family. 

Beyond this, some seniors nay want to keep certain health information and decisions private. This is especially common in cases where well-meaning adult children are overstepping and not allowing the senior to make decisions about their own life.

Selective hearing

What it looks like: Family caregivers often report that their elderly parents seem to tune out certain conversations or advice, particularly when it involves suggestions for changing their behavior, accepting help, or addressing safety concerns. 

However, they remain perfectly attentive and responsive to other discussions, especially those that align with their interests or desires. This selective engagement can lead to misunderstandings and frustrations within the family, as it might appear as if they are ignoring important issues - or people - on purpose.

What's really going on: Several factors contribute to this selective hearing. While age-related hearing loss might play a role, often it's more about the emotional and psychological aspects. For many older adults, acknowledging the need for assistance or changes to their lifestyle can feel like an admission of weakness or a loss of independence. 

Selectively engaging with conversations allows them to maintain a sense of control over their lives and decisions. It can also be a defense mechanism against facing the realities of aging, such as declining health or the need for increased care. Cognitive changes, such as those associated with dementia, can further complicate their ability to process and respond to certain types of information, leading to what appears to be selective hearing.

Criticism

What it looks like: This one looks like, well, criticism! Aging parents frequently critiquing choices, behaviors, or lifestyles of their adult children and other family members, often unsolicited. The criticism can range from minor comments about day-to-day decisions to more significant judgments about career paths, parenting styles, or personal relationships. While it may seem harsh or unwarranted, it's important to recognize the context and emotional underpinnings of these critiques.

Common Causes: The propensity for increased criticism from aging parents can stem from several deep-seated issues. A significant factor is the feeling of obsolescence or irrelevance; as the world moves on, they may feel left behind, and critiquing can be a way of asserting their wisdom and experience. Criticizing can also act as a way to retain come control over their emotions or situation, especially if many decisions are now being made for them. 

There's also an element of fear involved—fear that their children might make mistakes that lead to hardship, reflecting a desire to protect based on their life experiences. Additionally, cognitive changes such as those seen in dementia can lead to a decrease in social filters, resulting in more direct and frequent criticisms. Issues related to mental health, like depression or chronic dissatisfaction with their own life circumstances can also lead to negative outlooks, which they project onto others. Understanding these motivations as a mix of concern, fear, and a struggle for relevance can help families navigate these criticisms with compassion, setting boundaries where necessary while preserving the dignity and respect of all involved. 

Manipulative Behavior

Description: Emotional guilt, feigned helplessness, strategic forgetfulness  and other forms of manipulation are often used to influence the decisions and actions of their family members - especially the primary caregiver. 

This might include making adult children feel guilty for not visiting enough, exaggerating difficulties to garner more attention or assistance, or selectively forgetting conversations that don't align with their wishes. While this behavior can strain relationships, understanding its roots is key to addressing it effectively.

Common Causes: The drive towards manipulative behaviors often arises from a complex mix of emotional and psychological factors. As these demanding elderly parents face the realities of aging, including increased dependency and the potential for loneliness, manipulation can become a tool for maintaining a sense of control and ensuring their needs are met. 

Additionally, feelings of isolation or abandonment may lead them to use manipulation as a means to secure more frequent interactions or support from their loved ones. Cognitive decline can also play a role, as individuals may not fully understand the impact of their actions or may revert to behavior patterns that once helped them navigate social situations. 

It's also worth considering that some parents may have always had manipulative tendencies, which become more pronounced with age and changing family dynamics. In such cases, the behavior may be associated with a psychological issue, including narcissism, or with a fear-based desire to protect themselves by manipulating others. 

Recognizing these behaviors as expressions of underlying fears and needs can guide families in responding with empathy, setting clear boundaries, and seeking constructive ways to fulfill a need for social interaction and engagement, providing a way to communicate and maintain a connection with loved ones.

Abusive behavior

What it looks like: Abusive behavior in elderly parents can manifest in various forms, including verbal aggression, physical outbursts, or even emotional manipulation. This might involve swearing or shouting, hurling insults, making unreasonable demands, or using guilt as a weapon. These actions can deeply hurt the family caregiver, leading to a strained and tense caregiving environment.

What's really going on: The root causes of abusive behavior in the elderly are complex and multifaceted. Often, such behavior is not a reflection of their true feelings towards family members but a manifestation of their frustration, fear, and loss of control over their lives. Physical pain, discomfort, or the progression of cognitive impairments such as dementia can lead to aggression and irritability. Feelings of vulnerability, fear of dependence, and the frustration of losing their independence can also trigger abusive responses. Psychological distress, including depression and anxiety, can exacerbate these behaviors, as the elderly struggle to cope with the numerous changes and losses experienced in later life. Understanding that these behaviors may stem from underlying health issues or emotional distress is crucial in addressing them with compassion and seeking appropriate support and interventions. Still, as with manipulative behavior, it’s important that caregivers take steps to protect themselves. This often involves setting boundaries, but could also mean that you need to step away from caregiving entirely.

To do well in caregiving for an elderly parent, it's crucial to figure out the underlying cause of tough behaviors. Is it something going on in their head (cognitive), something related to their physical health, or are they just riding an emotional rollercoaster or struggling with other mental health issues? Pinning this down is crucial because if it's cognitive or physical, we're talking about bringing in the heavy hitters for backup—doctors, specialists, you name it, to add that essential layer of medical support.

• Establish clear boundaries: Set limits on what behaviors you can accept and how you will respond to challenging behavior. Communicating these boundaries clearly and consistently helps manage expectations and protects your well-being. Doing so is crucial regardless of how your parent responds to boundary setting.
• Expand your team: If you're feeling overwhelmed, it might be time to expand your caregiving team. This can include hiring professional caregivers, seeking help from other family members, or exploring community resources. A larger support network can alleviate stress and provide better care for your loved one.
• Consider senior living options: There comes a point when home care may no longer be the best option. Evaluating senior living facilities can offer a solution that meets your loved one's needs, including medical care, social activities, and a safe living environment. It's a significant decision, but it can improve their quality of life and provide peace of mind for everyone involved. Doing so may be crucial if you're reaching burnout from the caregiving role.
• Seek professional support: Engage with healthcare professionals, such as geriatricians, psychologists, or counselors, who specialize in elderly care. They can offer valuable insights into managing behavioral issues and provide support for both the elderly parent and the caregiver.
• Educate yourself: Learn more about the aging process, common health issues, and their impact on behavior. Understanding the root causes of challenging behaviors can foster empathy and patience in handling difficult situations.
• Use positive reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise positive behavior. Positive reinforcement can encourage more of the desired behavior and strengthen your relationship with your elderly parent.
• Practice self-care: Caregiving can be emotionally and physically draining. Make time for yourself, engage in activities you enjoy, and maintain your health and well-being to prevent caregiver burnout.
• Join support groups: Connecting with others in similar situations can provide emotional support, practical advice, and a sense of community. Support groups offer a safe space to share experiences and coping strategies.
• Utilize respite care: Take breaks from caregiving duties by exploring respite care options. Short-term care services can provide you with necessary rest and recovery time, ensuring you're better equipped to care for your elderly parent.
• Implement structured routines: Establishing a daily routine can provide stability and predictability for both the caregiver and the elderly parent. Routines can help manage expectations and reduce anxiety and confusion.
• Focus on communication: Enhance your communication skills by being clear, patient, and respectful. Non-verbal cues, active listening, and empathy can significantly improve interactions with your elderly parent.
• Seek legal and financial advice: If necessary, consult with legal and financial experts to manage your elderly parent's affairs. This can help alleviate stress related to financial, legal, and healthcare decisions.

The constant stress, worry, and physical demands of caregiving can lead to burnout, affecting caregivers' well-being and quality of life. It's crucial to recognize the signs of this strain early and acknowledge where you are in your caregiving journey.

Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or constantly anxious are not signs of failure but indicators that it's time to seek support. Fortunately, there are numerous resources available, from support groups and professional counseling to respite care services, all of which can help caregivers manage their responsibilities while protecting their own health and happiness. Remember, taking care of yourself isn't a luxury—it's an essential part of providing the best care for your loved one.

• National Caregivers Support hotline: 855-260-3274
• Caregiver Action Network: 855-227-3640
• Family Caregiver Alliance