The Insider's Guide: How to Talk to Your Parents About Assisted Living

How to talk to your parents about moving to assisted living

Ok, so it’s probably been a few decades since your parents had “the talk” with you. Yes, it was awkward, and yes, it made everyone uncomfortable, but you all got through it (more or less).

Fast forward 40 years (or more), and you might find yourself thinking about “the talk” again. Yet, "the talk" now has a different connotation. As your parent's age, you’ve probably struggled with how to talk to them about moving to a nursing home or an assisted living community.

While the subject is very different, the underlying dynamics are eerily similar; a struggle for independence, the desire to maintain autonomy, and the universal desire for personal agency.

We recently listened to an amazing discussion between a group of unpaid caregivers about how they approached the senior living "talk” with their own parents. 

While we have worked with and counseled thousands of families over the years on their transition to assisted living communities, we heard a fresh approach to how to talk to your parents about whether or not it's time for assisted living.

Using the “love languages” to talk to your parents about moving to assisted living for future care

By this point, most of us have heard of the Love Languages. Written by Gary Chapman in 2015, it was a New York Times Bestseller and dinner table conversation starter. 

Chapman posited that people don’t give and receive love in the same ways and that by recognizing someone else’s love language, you can connect with them on a deeper level.

While scientific research is mixed on the efficacy of the “love languages," there is a universal concept that underpins the philosophy: think about the values a person holds and speak to them through those values. Simple, right?

Most of us think about love languages as they relate to a romantic partner, but the concept can be applied to any relationship, even the ones with our parents. We spoke with Sandy Hunter, a personal coach, about this idea of love languages.

Sandy had “the talk” with her own parents over a year ago about looking at assisted living and retirement communities. That is, talking about their own health and their well being in conjunction with senior care.

She used the love languages as a way to focus on the positive: “Dad values quality time, so living in a retirement community in the same town as me means we'll get to see each other more regularly,” she shared.

“Mom's love language is acts of service. Offering to bring my parents to my town to tour independent living facilities or letting her know I will be available to help with doctor’s appointments and computer challenges - that spoke to her love language.”

And while it wasn’t easy, Sandy shared that it worked:

“I think this approach, plus a health scare, plus talking about their losses (memories in their own home, two social groups, sense of independence, their garden), and what they will gain (more opportunities to have friends their age, less traffic, no home maintenance, and seeing my husband and me more frequently) finally convinced them to move.”

And while it wasn’t easy, Sandy shared that it worked: “I think this approach, plus a health scare, plus talking openly about the things they will be losing (memories in their current home, sense of independence, their garden), and what they will gain (more opportunities to have friends their age, less traffic, no home maintenance, and seeing my husband and me more frequently) finally convinced them to move.”

Why “Love Languages” works - even with your parents

Love languages honor and reinforce how we feel valued and cared for. We often do for others as we would want for ourselves. But the real power of expression and influence comes from giving others what they need and want.

Love languages are a way to emphasize the positive benefits of assisted living and memory care rather than focusing on your parent's deficits.

So, inspired by Sandy and all those who struggle with the discussion about moving to an assisted living facility, we’ve compiled a brief primer on using the "love languages" to make the discussion easier. 

Moving to assisted living: a Seniorly Local Advisor weighs in

Catherine Shepard, a long-time Seniorly Local Advisor, has counseled hundreds of family members through the sometimes complex conversation about moving to senior living. Catherine says that love languages work because, above all, they exist in the framework of your parent’s identity. 

“It’s so important,” says Catherine, “that you don’t take your parent’s power away. They will view that as a loss of control. In the end, the decision to move to assisted living is theirs alone.” 

For family members navigating a truly complex senior living journey, a strained sibling relationship, or a parent who refuses to move but can’t take adequate care of themselves anymore, a professional senior advisor taking care of business can work wonders.

With vast experience in helping families navigate these conversations about assisted living and a deep knowledge of the local assisted living communities, Seniorly local advisors have the advantage of objectivity and can support the conversation in a respectful way for many families, residents, and all stakeholders.

What are the advantages of using a local advisor?

Some advantages of using a local advisor:

• You can discuss your parent’s likes and dislikes, needs for daily living, preferences, and reasons for resistance. 
• A local senior placement specialist can meet with your parents and offer information and guidance that may be more acceptable coming from them. 
• After learning more about your parents, including their values or “love languages", a local advisor can offer ways to approach the conversation that highlights what is important to your parents. they can suggest an assisted living community that offers what's important to your parent.

Assisted living’s diverse activities and opportunities for social engagement can resonate with any of the five love languages. A local advisor knows each community in depth and can highlight the benefits of each.

5 tips for talking to your parents about moving to assisted living

If you’ve been wondering if it’s time to move your parent into an assisted living community, take our 6-minute quiz to get an assessment.  We know it can seem daunting, but there’s no time like the present.

If you think it’s time to have the talk with your parents and loved ones about moving to assisted living, here are Seniorly’s best advice:

• Start the conversation early: The best time to talk about assisted living is before it becomes a pressing issue. Discussing this option early allows your parents to digest the idea slowly and reduces the pressure when the time does come.
• Express your concerns honestly: Address the issue using "I" statements, such as "I am worried about your safety living alone". This helps to prevent your parents from feeling attacked or defensive, and emphasizes that you are coming from a place of concern.
• Show empathy: Recognize your parents' emotions regarding the transition. It's a significant change in their lifestyle, and feelings of loss or fear are normal. Listen to their concerns, reassure them, and empathize with their feelings.
• Highlight the benefits: Stress on benefits like round-the-clock care, health monitoring, nutritious meals, and reduced household tasks. Talk about increased social opportunities, various activities, and the availability of emergency help at all times. Think about what they value and what is important to them, and frame the conversation using those markers.
• Involve them in the decision: This should be a collaborative process. Let them be part of the decision-making, including researching facilities, scheduling tours, and discussing finances. If your parent is not receptive, consider breaking the conversation into smaller, more manageable asks. Perhaps your starting point is looking at communities online, talking to a friend or family member who recently moved, or touring assisted living facilities. This will help them feel more in control and understood during the transition.

Discussing the transition to assisted living with your parents can be a challenging task. It's crucial to initiate the conversation early and honestly express your concerns. Emphasizing empathy is vital to understanding their feelings and anxiety about this life change. Additionally, highlighting the potential benefits of assisted living can help portray the positive aspects of such a move. However, the most crucial element is ensuring your parents feel involved and respected in the decision-making process, making the transition smoother for everyone involved.

And last but not least, five ways to start the talk

(so you don't have to call your best friend)

While your approach will be largely driven by what you know about your parent and your own conversational style, we know that the hardest part is often those first few words out.  To that end, we've shared some ways that other caregivers have started their conversations:

• I noticed that you’re having difficulty with the steps and nearly fell. Is this a problem you’re having often?
• Your friends Jack and Jenny recently sold their home and moved to a retirement community. How are they liking it so far? Have you visited them? 
• I know that sometimes you’re feeling a bit lonely and that it’s getting harder and harder to get out.  I’ve heard that many senior living communities do a wonderful job with community events.  Would you like to go check out a couple of places together? 
• I’m feeling more and more worried about you living here. Managing a house is a lot of extra work and I wonder if it might be time to consider moving to a place with less maintenance.
• How are you doing? Really, how are you doing these days?